Practical Magick

(Hi, how are you? I've been very busy. My brain ran out of words.)

After many years reading and enjoying fiction books or TV shows about magic and witches, I think I am at a stage - or maybe an age - where I would like a more realistic Witchy type story. Now of course I know that all the Magick R Us books and shows are not real but I do think there’s a market for ones that are closer to the reality of actual humans.

I’d like the main protagonist to be a woman or man of a certain age, and thus practical, and not at all fluttery. The angst of youth would have been either binned long ago, or simply dealt with by heaving a sigh from the depths, a pushing up of the sleeves and a “Right then. Let’s just get on with it.”

I don’t know who this is, but I think we’d be friends.

They would not do things that put themselves or others in needless danger, like ignoring weather warnings or the advice of people far more experienced. When it comes to telephone calls from their informants/contacts, they would never allow them to say “I’ll tell you later” without saying “YOU MAY NOT BE HERE LATER.” with gusto.

They would make sure they have a charged mobile phone with them at all times and were wearing proper boots. With grippy soles and a steel toe for kicking people inna forks.

They would have a battery pack, and a filled, windproof lighter tucked into their bra or an inside pocket. They would also never, under any circumstances, go and visit a known site of dubious reputation without a) back up, b) a large supply of protein bars and bandages or c) letting other associates know where and when they were going.

Their go bag would have a very powerful wide beam torch, (FFS cop shows etc., can you not get torches that actually illuminate a room?) and a multi tool plus a location tracker in the lining, just case they get lost in the wilds of the dark and stormy countryside. Possibly a tracker embedded under the skin too.

I’d also quite like this person not to faint or scream at the sight of a dead body. Hear me out. I can’t help but feel every TV program that shows a middle aged woman screaming at the sight of a dead person, doesn’t actually know how a middle aged women would react. I’m quite sure that there are many of us who would go “Oh bugger. Fuxxake.” and then get on with the Doing of Things. There might be an audible gasp, initial tears and then a sigh as they realised it was down to them to fix as usual. (Unless there was a copious amount of stomach contents, in which case all bets are off and they’d call a professional.)

Mind you, let’s be real. This is not to say they wouldn’t have an aftershock reaction, and be found later on with a box of emergency Marlboro Golds and a strong sweet tea, with the biscuit tin half emptied.

Let’s talk jewellery. Silver jewellery is all very pretty but black iron is fae proof. They would make sure some of said iron is set into charms, bracelets and pendants even if it can’t be seen, and they would have protective charms and sigils tattooed on, not just written on five minutes before they set off.

Their protective circle might have to be on the floor (because grounding) but it would be made of something that can’t just be puffed away by a sharp gust of wind or demon breath; perhaps a collapsible salt infused and filled tube that can be held down with iron (because faeries) tent pegs. At the very least, they’d have a back up bag of salt and cayenne pepper mix. Handy for throwing in nasty faces.

There’d also be none of this sitting on the floor crossed legged malarkey. No. Lightweight folding chairs are to be made available to every witch and warlock because dammit knees and bums and backs give up being bendy after a while and spellcasting makes you tired. It’s all very romantic and flowy to have cushions and blankets on the ground but them’s for the young of hip and sound of collagen.

Any witch that can see and communicate with spirits will be given what looks like a bluetooth earpiece so the public don’t think they are just a crazy person, and they will also be trained in the art of holding a conversation whilst not needing to turn and look at the invisible thing they are conversing with. I’ve lost count of the times in modern productions where they get this wrong and I find it deeply irksome. Common sense needs to be deployed in order to minimise shouting at the telly and the raising of blood pressure.

Genuine psychics will repeat exactly what the attendant ghost is saying, not a précis. Thank you. Even if is just a “Your cousin is a twit, your sister Mavis is no better than she should be and is after your money and of course I don’t know where your bloody necklace is.”

They will also be allowed to say ”I don’t give a flying fig if you don’t believe me, but it needs to get out of my head and into yours. I’m sick of your relative following me around. I didn’t ask for this, but I’ve got it. Get a grip Chad.”